Songs on Recovery and Addiction

It’s hard to let go of old behaviors, but there are things we don’t want to pass on to our children. We discover a strong motivation to CLEAN OUT THE ATTIC when we realize that as parents, our own inherited emotional baggage and “out of balance” behaviors will have an impact on our children, and eventually affect our grandchildren too. We look for help and many of us get into recovery. It’s difficult to end some of our familiar old behaviors, but healthy people understand that most things have beginnings, middles and ends.

MY LITTLE CLOCK (Sung by Willow Geer-Alsop)

When no one has time for us, we feel like we’re not worth much. MY LITTLE CLOCK is for children who are forced to march to the beat of a grown-up timer. Many of us live by the minute hand, with schedules for eating, sleeping and working. Organizing our life is important, but children don't always organize they way we do. Whose clock ticks louder if they're not sleepy and we want them to go to bed? Being in a hurry can prevent us from taking time to explain, from being flexible when possible, from allowing choices, and just treating children with respect and patience.

WHAT IF?

A good laugh helps us see other options when we’re afraid. Just because something's serious, doesn't mean it's not funny! WHAT IF? was written at the request of a mother whose child was frightened by an earthquake. Being afraid is often about feeling out of control, like on elevators and airplanes. We often scare ourselves by thinking about all the horrible things that might happen. When our brain is full of fears, we can't think clearly, and the fears escalate. Fear can freeze us or cause us to flee, but in either case, it stops us from taking considered, deliberate action. A little humor can make things lighter and help us break the cycle, so we can walk through our fear.

SNAKE DANCE

The dance steps of a classic codependent relationship are difficult and frustrating. SNAKE DANCE is about a woman addicted to the potential of a relationship. She doesn’t know how to set boundaries to take care of herself. Some women allow themselves to be put on a pedestal and then can’t get down. Once the dance starts, it’s difficult to stop the anger and violence and jealousy, the cheating, the neediness, the blaming and the hollow threats. The romance drains away. The sexuality dries up and neither partner knows how to break out of the downward spiral.

ANIMAL CRACKERS

Play and make believe are safe ways for kids to act out their anger. When we’re not allowed to express angry feelings, they surface again, often in less healthy ways. ANIMAL CRACKERS illustrates passive-aggression. The child in the song, acting like he’s a loving caretaker, enjoys mashing the little animal crackers as he eats them. This song can initiate discussions about anger management, control and violence, or at the other end of the spectrum, avoidance, shyness and isolation. Often the "lost child" in a family avoids "drawing fire" from the family shooting gallery by escaping into fantasy and isolating herself in her room, reading books or playing with dolls. Some kids act out their rage on pets or toys while they're playing, exhibiting some of the behaviors that have been modeled for them.

STRENGTH

We recognize our legacy from our parents in the light of their divorce. I wrote STRENGTH about my parents divorce. I was tempted to tie the last verse up in a nice bow, and describe how my father had grown gentler, and how my mother had learned to be more assertive, but it wasn’t really true. I stuck with the true version. This song can be used to bring up divorce and broken dreams and logic and money and how tough it is to break up a family when we can see both the good times and the hard times.

NO ONE'S NORMAL!

Normal behavior for someone, may be abnormal for someone else. NO ONE'S NORMAL is about being different and feeling good about yourself. "Normal" means "the way most people are”, average. We accept the phases of behavior and attitude that our children go through, but it's wonderful when we can look at an adult who’s having difficulty, and accept their behavior too. We know they’re working at their own level of development as they struggle with their own growth process. If we can do that for others, then we can gently grant ourselves time and space to go through our own changes and marvel at all our wonderful differences. Feel free to use anything mentioned in the song to generate discussion.

JUICE (Sung by Honky Boy Pete)

When we’re not loved, we feel empty and we search for any kind of juice to fill us; booze, sex, drugs, money or food. When we’re filled up with love, we pass it on. When kids get good quality JUICE from their parents or family, they're able to pass it along to other people. We learn to love others from being loved. We care about others because we’ve been cared about ourselves. Children act morally when they understand feelings. We teach them about feelings when we’re open with them about our own feelings. As they gain the ability to "feel" for others, they will make decisions about how to behave, based on their feelings and their intellectual concepts. Caring behavior comes out of treating others as well as we would like them to treat us.

I CAN IF I WANNA!

Positive, affirming statements move us ahead, replacing negative old messages that hold us back. I CAN IF I WANNA is about saying “NO!” to that negative little voice inside us that says we can’t do anything right. We’ve all heard many negative messages in our lives. They undermine what we do and how we do it. People criticize us with the best of intentions, trying to help us grow and learn, but after awhile, we learn to say these negative messages to ourselves. Then affirmations sound hollow and fake. When I get to that point, I have to tell myself that affirmations are simply statements that "haven’t come true YET!" By saying positive things to ourselves, we move closer to having them become a reality.

YOU'RE OKAY

There is nothing "wrong" with any of us, we’re just being presented with different “growth opportunities”! YOU'RE OKAY reframes the word “wrong”. There’s nothing "wrong" with any of us. Usually when people say "you're wrong", they mean you're "doing something wrong." When we gather together and share our shortcomings with each other, we find out how much we have in common. We’re all making mistakes! It's affirming to feel that we're not alone. I feel much more comfortable and safe from criticism when I'm around other people who are working on their own shortcomings. That’s why I like twelve step programs. So "if you've got something ‘wrong’ with you, then you’re okay with me!” Sharing our struggles gives us the support we need to go on.

TAKE A STEP (Sung with Bill Harley)

A big job starts with a small step, especially recovery! Take action. TAKE A STEP encourages us to take action, even when life seems overwhelming and impossible. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time! Procrastination can be generated by fear of failure, fear of success, pain, lack of understanding, or "just not feeling like it." These are very real obstacles for us, and threats or force don't work well to motivate us. However, once we get started on our own, momentum gathers and our sense of control increases. We become aware of how our participation assists in our recovery. As we keep a positive outlook, take responsibility for ourselves, and learn new skills, we build trust in ourselves and grow.

I BELIEVE YOU

Learning how to be a safe place for others, teaches us how to find safe places for ourselves. I BELIEVE YOU is about listening to kids and knowing that they have their own truth. It may be different than our truth, but it is true for them nevertheless. We can only get our kids to open up and talk to us by being a safe, accepting place for them. That means that we MUST be able to hear and accept things about them that are difficult for us to hear. Kids need their feelings witnessed just as much as they need to have their behavioral accomplishments watched.

LET ‘EM LAUGH

If we’re feeling comfortable, we’re probably not risking much, and we must take risks to grow. LET ‘EM LAUGH encourages us to take risk and stick our necks out to learn new things. We may appear foolish the first few times we try something new, but after a while we’ll gain mastery of whatever we’re learning, and then we’ll know how to do it. We will have accomplished something and moved ahead, while those who stood by laughing and playing it safe, will still be in the same place.

RECOVERY AND ADDICTION – TWO - Medicators

PETER COMMENTS ON THE SONGS

WHEN ONE IS TOO MANY

We may change our medicators, but until we face the painful feelings that drive our compulsive behaviors, they do not go away. Using sex instead of drugs isn’t facing the underlying pain. WHEN ONE IS TOO MANY “and a thousand ain’t enough” is an anthem for addicts. It mentions the hyped-up, unhealthy behavior patterns we get ourselves into; staying up all night, being irritable, fighting. We won’t change until we hit bottom; until we’re “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. Once we admit our powerlessness over our disease, we can ask for help. I wrote the last verse of this song before I was aware that sex is as much of a medicator as drugs. So my new last verse goes like this: “So take a cold shower, make you do a little dance, Find the little kid inside you, who never had a chance, or you could ask the Higher Power, t’get you back on track, then go hug that little kid and bounce that monkey off your back!”

NO EXCUSE T'USE BOOZE! (Sung by Honky Boy Pete)

Every “good excuse” we come up with for using alcohol or other drugs is just another form of denial. It’s amazing how many excuses we can find to use medicators. NO EXCUSE T'USE BOOZE! reminds us that drinking booze is not a healthy habit, for kids or adults. We know this and yet many of us still drink, and set examples for our children. There are an estimated 5.3 million kids between 12 and 17 years of age who have serious drinking problems. In more than 50% of all fatal accidents, alcohol or other drugs are a contributing factor. Our problems only get worse when we try to avoid them using booze. We always have other choices.

CHRISTMAS CHEER (Sung by Marshall McDaniel)

How many ways can we include alcohol in our holiday rituals? Can we be spiritual and “just say no?” Drinking alcohol, or CHRISTMAS CHEER, as it’s called, has become part of our holiday traditions. You can feel like a social outcast if you choose not to drink at a party or refuse some spiked eggnog. For generations kids have watched adults in their lives celebrate with alcohol and then do stupid and dangerous things. Most kids just accept it. They feel powerless to change anything, but it’s scary, and kids want us to stop.

STUCK ON YOU (From Sniffin' Glue!)

“Huffing” inhalants is a serious problem for many people. STUCK ON YOU (From Sniffin' Glue!) is a silly song that can be used to discuss dating, parental control, party behaviors, romance as a medicator, using inhalants, or “huffing”, and the inevitable fate of a relationship based on drug use. The lovers always end up playing second fiddle to the drug.

THE GIFT (Sung by Willow Geer-Alsop)

Nicotine is one of the most difficult substances to stop. Our children often follow our example. THE GIFT is about a child who asks a parent to quit smoking for Christmas as their gift. Nicotine is one of the most difficult of all drugs to quit. It has one of the shortest withdrawal periods, so by the time you’re having your third cigarette, you’re medicating the withdrawal symptoms from the first cigarette. I feel the real gift we’ve received, is the love we have for our children, because that’s what’s given many of us the strength to stop smoking. We don’t want to pass it on to them.

HYPERACTIVE

The relationship between hyperactivity and refined sugar is still being investigated, but we know that eating sugar robs our vitamins, makes us nervous, irritable, run down and depleted. HYPERACTIVE can be used to address sugar dependency, diet, how food is marketed to children, being over-weight, and feeling different. When we’re "hyper", other people sometimes avoid us, and we’re left feeling isolated and abandoned. There are people with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD), who have to cope daily with not fitting in socially. Sometimes people who take a daily medication learn the hidden message that a simple answer in the form of a pill can solve their problems. There are others who know the medication is only temporary, to control their symptoms, while they work very hard to build other skills and methods for coping with their personal situation.

DADDY’S ROLL (Sung by Brette Gentry)

Compulsive eating when we aren’t really hungry indicates that there’s a painful feeling trying to surface. My DADDY’S ROLL (is out of control), touches on compulsive eating with all the trappings of any other substance dependency. Even those of us without a weight problem, may find ourselves standing in front of an open refridgerator looking for something to complete us as human beings. It’s not in there.

UNIFORMS

“Looking good” is a type of perfectionism. What we wear is often influenced by our need to belong and be accepted. UNIFORMS explores judging others by their appearance. It’s something we do to feel safe. A brief glance around a crowded room can tell us instantly who may be a potential adversary, or ally. Stereotyping by appearance also limits the scope of our interactions with others, and it can lead to becoming fearful and untrusting of those who look different than we do. Many of us grew up in families that had to “look good” to the outside world. Our appearance was important to maintaining a denial about the pain we were in. We all have a great need to belong and to be accepted by our peers. What we wear often affects how we are accepted by others.

BUY ME SOMETHING

Compulsive shopping patterns tip us off to issues around money, self-worth, and status. BUY ME SOMETHING is a cry most parents have heard at some time or other. Some people have to cut up their charge cards because they can’t control their spending. We all feel good when we can buy something new for ourselves, but if we shop compulsively to avoid painful feelings, we need to get some support, and find out what’s really bothering us. Use this song to discuss money, always being in debt, helping others for free, then resenting it, hating to shop, or feeling like you have to buy something for someone else everytime you buy something for yourself.

YOU GET A LITTLE EXTRA WHEN YOU WATCH T.V.!

Building awareness about the hidden messages on television is the best way to protect ourselves from their subtle impact on us. YOU GET A LITTLE EXTRA WHEN YOU WATCH T.V.! hopefully raises our consciousness about all the little hidden messages that television gives us. We accept and internalize them without even realizing it. Some of the hidden messages we get are, "beautiful women look like this”, and “real men can be sensitive and violent”; or, "having a new car will make you more desireable", and “any problems can be solved in twenty-eight minutes”, and "old people are always cranky or they’re perfect grandparents, no in-between"; and on and on. Being aware of these messages is the best way to protect ourselves from their subtle impact on us. Spending hours in front of the television is also a great way to avoid dealing with anything that’s bothering us. It erodes our self worth when we continually put off taking care of our emotional needs. It may expose us to wide variety of ideas, but social skills need to be practiced to be efective.

LOGICAL – (Sung with Willow and Megan Geer-Alsop, Vinessa Shaw, Inara George, Abi Stallcup)

Logical thinking and compulsive organizing keep us out of our feelings and are often used to get others to "see things our way”. LOGICAL thinking is a valuable skill, but it’s often used to avoid feelings. We use logic to get other people to do what we want, to "see things our way”. We use it on our children when we want them to "behave properly", instead of taking time to find out what they’re feeling. There’s an implicit message in our culture that says, "what a person thinks is more important than what they feel". Staying in our heads with ideas and thoughts feels safe to us because we can control them. Feelings are less easily controlled, but we need to build a “feelings vocabulary” to compliment our logical reasoning.

IF I WAS IN CHARGE (Sung with Willow Geer-Alsop)

Many of us grew up feeling that our lives were out of control. Having more control doesn’t solve problems, as well as knowing when to “let go.” Many of us think,”IF I WAS IN CHARGE, the world would be a better place for everyone!” Being in charge is often better as a fantasy than in reality. Many of us in recovery have had to deal with our own control problems. We find that having more control never solves our problems. It keeps us running around in turmoil, preoccupied with everyone else’s short-comings, and we’re distanced from discovering a calmer, more lasting spiritual solution. Learning to "let go" of control is a valuable skill that many of us do not acquire until later in life!

AAARGH!

It’s easier to take care of others than to care for ourselves. Some of us try to be perfect, but when everything we do becomes a test of our worth, eventually we don't measure up. AAARGH! is a good song for family heroes. Striving to be perfect to gain approval from others can become an obsession. The pressure we put on ourselves makes us, and those around us feel crazy sometimes. We take up professions in human services because it’s easier to care for others than to care for ourselves. When we don’t find the approval we seek, a deep loneliness builds inside. We work harder to medicate the pain, but it never solves the problem, because there is always another test to study for, another person to save, another mess to clean up. When we differentiate ourselves from our work, we see that we are not what we do, and we can get down to the real job of learning who we really are, and accepting ourselves.